Is Envy wrecking your friendships? 4 Steps to Keep Envy at Bay and Enjoy Healthy Friendships for Life!

Envy needs no introduction! It reminds you of its presence when you feel that twinge on seeing someone’s vacation pictures on Facebook or when a colleague gets that promotion you had set your eyes on or when a friend buys the car you always wanted!

Even though they are sometimes used as synonyms, envy and jealousy are a little different from each other. Jealousy is when we are scared that something or someone will disturb the relationship we have with a loved one. Jealousy always involves a third person or thing that is perceived as threatening to the relationship. Envy is wanting the qualities, possessions or achievements of another person.  You can be envious of one or many people. Even though envy has earned an unenviable place on the list of the Cardinal Sins, envy is as normal and commonplace as many of the other emotions we feel.

A 2015 study on envy conducted by Minnpost concluded that more than 75% of people admitted to having envied someone in the last year. People reported having experienced envy in both, distant relationships as well as with close friends and family.

Feeling envious of someone is not necessarily a bad thing. Envy in some cases can motivate and inspire people to do better for themselves. Say a friend signed up for a fitness program and lost a ton of weight.

Sure, you did the right thing by appreciating them but also experienced a pang of envy at their ability to fit into dress sizes you could only dream of!  This was enough to motivate you into adopting a healthier lifestyle for yourself and six months down, you too have results to show for it. That’s a win-win!

Part of the reason why envy gets a bad rap is that it can mar and destroy rewarding and meaningful relationships, if left unchecked.

Human beings are complex creatures and can experience two opposing emotions together.

So, you might be genuinely thrilled that your best friend delivered a healthy baby, but also feel slightly envious if you have been trying to get pregnant for a while and have not succeeded.

This is perfectly normal and you should not beat yourself up over it. However, unbridled envy can lead to vicious backbiting and spiteful behavior- things that can sound the death-knell for your friendship. It also causes restlessness and mental agony to the person experiencing envy and does not allow them to be at peace.

Here are 4 things you can do to keep your envy under check and maintain healthy friendships for life:

1. Be Conscious of Your Feelings:

Envy can creep into our hearts without warning. A friend who had recently lost her father to cancer asked me tearfully one day “Every time I hear you talk about your father, I feel envious. I am glad he is alive and well, but I feel bad for myself. Am I a horrible friend?”

It is normal and understandable to feel envious when friends sometimes have what we don’t.

Envy almost always stems from discontentment and frustrations we have in our own lives.  Recognizing envy and being aware of it will ensure you do not indulge in negative and hurtful behavior toward your friends.

Remember, feeling envy is no crime, but qualifying envy with negative and snarky behavior can cost you your friendship.

It is possible to deal with envy in a timely and effective manner only if you know it exists in the first place.

My friend’s honesty showed me that she was processing too many emotions at once, which was overwhelming for her. Feeling envious of her friends took her on a guilt trip as well.

With time, she got over it but recognizing how she was feeling helped her deal with it in a manner that was constructive and positive.  

2. Don’t Judge Whether They “Deserve” It or Not:

People succeed for different reasons. Sometimes, they genuinely have superior talents and many a time it is a matter of being in the right place at the right time.

Whatever be the reason for a friend’s success, it will never help you to judge whether they deserve it or not.

Envy often distorts our perception and makes us believe that we have been short-changed or that a friend is undeserving of what they have.

Take heart in knowing that what is yours will find its way to you. We all know of people who could have achieved more in life but couldn’t and also of those who achieved more than anyone thought possible.

The world is full of exhilarating as well as heart-breaking stories of success and failure. Understand that you will also have moments of success and celebration and at those times you would want your friend in your corner, cheering for you.

3. Focus on Their Efforts:

Very often, when people succeed, we only pay attention to the prize…. the final result. We tend to overlook their arduous journey and the sacrifices they might have made to get there.

Paying attention to your friend’s sacrifices and efforts has a two-fold benefit- firstly, it makes you realize that if you also put in the same kind of effort, you might reap similar benefits.

Secondly, it makes you understand whether or not you want to make those sacrifices in the first place.

If a friend gets another promotion at work along with a hefty raise in salary, instead of focusing on the increased salary and new job title, ask yourself this-  Are you willing to spend an extra 2 hours at work every day, work the weekends and divert time away from your family to be noticed by your boss for a promotion?

It is easy to become envious if you don’t consider the costs and efforts required to have the same results as your friend.

4. Count your Blessings too

We might not know it, but many aspects of our lives might be coveted or envied by others. Remind yourself from time to time of all the things/people/relationships in your life that you are grateful for.

I for sure have wished that I could have some of the things and skills that my friends have.

On the flip side, many of my friends have also told me that they wish certain things in their lives had panned out the way they had in mine!

The bottom line is that we all have people and things in our lives that make living worthwhile. It is definitely more rewarding to celebrate those instead of focusing on what others have.

Envy is common; being blessed with great friends is not! Don’t berate yourself for being envious of your friends, but make sure your envy does not jeopardize friendships and relations you care about!